Midday lattes have been getting a bad rap, particularly when it comes to first dates. Despite the criticism, I’ve always found meeting for coffee on a first date to be an ideal choice. It offers a relaxed and informal setting to get to know someone new without the pressure of committing to an entire evening. After all, this person hasn’t yet earned a prime Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night slot. A coffee date serves as a perfect preliminary meeting to determine if they’re worth more of your time. However, this simple date idea has stirred controversy on TikTok, with some labeling it as unacceptable. Critics argue that suggesting a coffee date is a low-effort move and a red flag, all stemming from one woman’s story.
Recently, a TikTok user known as “Ashlei With An I” shared her experience of declining a coffee date proposal. She stated, “I’m not going to argue with you about how you like to date…but coffee is never going to be an option for me.” In the comments, others who dislike coffee dates agreed, calling them “low effort.” One commenter advised, “Know your worth and stand on it. Don’t let these pick mes and broke men make you feel bad for it. I would’ve turned it down too. Asking someone on a coffee date is low effort and insulting.”
I respect Ashlei With An I’s personal stance and her acknowledgment that her opinion shouldn’t dictate others’ dating preferences. I also reject the misogynistic comments she received, which suggested she should feel grateful for any date invitation. Such rhetoric has no place in dating. Despite this, I remain a strong advocate for coffee dates. As Ashlei pointed out, they’re low-effort, cost-effective, and casual, which is precisely their appeal. Critics argue that coffee dates are too casual and imply a lack of interest in pursuing a serious connection. Another common criticism on TikTok is that these dates are too inexpensive, suggesting that if a man isn’t willing to spend on a first date, he may not be invested in your happiness in the future.
However, not everyone who can afford expensive cocktails has good intentions. This reasoning also doesn’t prioritize your time and well-being. Why dedicate an entire evening to someone you barely know? A midday coffee date eliminates any post-date expectations. If there’s no chemistry, there’s no awkwardness about going back to someone’s place at 2 p.m., unlike a late-night date at 10 p.m.
Professional matchmaker April Davis believes those against coffee dates need a new perspective. “Fancy dinners and Instagram-worthy aesthetics don’t guarantee a real connection. They can actually mask it,” she explains. “A coffee date offers fewer distractions, allowing you to see if there’s a genuine connection. They’re also efficient! A quick 30-minute meetup saves time if there’s no chemistry.”
Dating expert Dr. Wendy Walsh understands why some might feel slighted by a coffee date proposal. “Many women appreciate when a man makes sacrifices for them,” she says. “Spending money on a date can make some women feel courted. However, this traditional approach may not apply today, especially when many women earn more than men.”
Dr. Walsh sees coffee dates as a practical precursor to a more extended evening date. If you’re not a fan of coffee dates, she suggests using a “communication sandwich” to express your preference. “Start with something positive, introduce the harder message, and end with positivity,” she advises. You might say, “That sounds like a great idea, but I’m not ready to try that yet. How about we go (add event idea)? No matter where we end up, it’ll be fun to hang with you.”
Ultimately, There’s no single right way to date. Choose what makes you comfortable. Meeting someone for a matcha latte doesn’t mean you lack self-respect. “Coffee dates don’t imply you accept the bare minimum,” April notes. “They say, ‘I value my time, but I also value meeting you.'”